Unbearably Light in Singapore
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010This is the metaphor that would give birth to love, just like Milan Kundera predicted. Or wrote without intentionally predicted. Would it be better to say narrated? If he were narrating our lives, if he were the author, and he continued to deny his own authority, then how would we ultimately write ourselves? My fear was always one of repetition, or rather, afraid of repeating anything. This is because I was born in a time when the generation before me built a set of values that favored repetitions of work in order to replicate lives of fathers, and these constructions were always falling apart, revealing their cracks everywhere we would look.
I met her in a state I was not born in, a state of both panic and delirium. Delirium would come to signify that most pleasant forgetting for both of us, and something we would pursue almost to madness. Panic would drive us there, and delirium offers its own sweet rewards. In Singapore, eating here had the power to change our lives, and not simply or subtly, but completely, because it was always at the beginning of a night that ended much too late. At the time, we didn’t think it was an escape from history, but it certainly wasn’t a history lesson we would gladly speak out loud.
There were very few times that talking would leave me breathless to a point where I could not do anything else. But she did ask, during one dinner, if I had considered how the repetitions of the fathers lead to how we learned to love? At the time, I thought it was a ridiculous idea, or at least a very uncomfortable one, and nothing to talk about on a night we were playing in. Do we play in history like a great sandbox? Or is it possible that we play in it like a sandbox without realizing it’s an ocean that is losing its own grip on the very forces that keep water molecules together? And this unbearable lightness may not be the beginning of our troubles at all, but the end, and that the end of troubles is also the end of love?